YOLO

on turning 45 & going for a walk in the cemetery

I just learned what YOLO means. I’m not kidding. I must be the only person on the planet who didn’t know. I’d seen it fly by many times online and probably felt too dumb to ask someone, and never stopped to look it up either. Then my friend, Hannah, sent me a text that said YOLO and I finally looked it up. 

YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE. 

This sentence lives so solidly in the Land of Cliché that you don’t even hear it, right? 

Yesterday, I turned 45. It was a stunningly beautiful day in Pittsburgh that started out cool and turned to summer in the afternoon. My favorite cherry trees in our backyard were showing off their pink and white blooms.

seriously? how gorgeous is this tree?

I made some art with the kids in the morning, Nico made me my favorite smoothie, we went to Farmer Baker in Aspinwall for a stellar lunch, did the awkward middle-aged run after our kids on their scooters, then sat and stared at the river together. We did a lot of “nothing,” by which I mean nothing productive. It was exactly what I needed. 

The other highlight of the day was going for a walk with Nico in Homewood Cemetery. We ran into a family of deer and hiked up and down the hills and let our conversation ramble. We talked about world events and how to process them, what we can do, what was coming up this week with work and the kids, where we are now with the monster to do list for our move to LA.

Then, Nico said, “I don’t remember, do you want to be buried or cremated?” 

I mean, we were in a cemetery, but still, this is not a conversation that just comes up all the time. I love that he asked me this question. One of the reasons I first fell in love with Nico is that he asks such good questions and actually listens to the answer. We talked about what we both want when we die, Nico joking (and also serious) that his wishes are more in line with the end of The Big Lebowski and how The Dude and Walter handle Donny’s ashes (think: coffee can). 

As we passed tombstones and a few families visiting and placing flowers, I actually felt for a moment that I am now in the middle of my life. 

We talked about my beloved aunt and my beloved friend who are both struggling with terminal conditions. I mentioned Mary Oliver’s iconic and often-parodied poem, “The Summer’s Day”: “Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon? / Tell me, what is it you plan to do / with your one wild and precious life?” (a required duty of poets).

Then, our conversation went back to whether we should make the kids take showers that night and who was doing bedtimes. 

And, here I am this morning still thinking about it. Thinking about what it would mean if I could actually feel every single day that this is my one precious incarnation as Emily on this planet.

If you could do that, too, how would you live differently? Think about it for a minute.

Seneca said, "Let us prepare our minds as if we'd come to the very end of life. Let's postpone nothing. Let us balance life's books each day.” 

Sorry Seneca, but as someone who struggles with insomnia and slowing my brain down to sleep at night, it’s not super relaxing to contemplate my death right before I go to bed. 

Liana Finck is a genius.

But it makes sense that by reflecting on death—the absolute inevitability of it for every single one of us—we might hold onto this moment in this particular life we’re living right now more fully. And, the feeling that comes into my chest when I can feel it for even a moment, of asking myself: am I living fully right now? How am I letting fear hold me back? Who needs to hear that I love them right now? 

As I’m typing these words, this dreamy Sufjan Stevens song, “Fourth of July,” keeps repeating, “We’re all gonna die.” Dark, Sufjan, I think. Or maybe not. Maybe that’s the lightest thing we can say. 

We’re all gonna die. 

We’re all gonna die, so why not do the thing that scares the bejeezus out of me? Why not?

This morning (not tonight), I’m going to cut through the thick layers of cliché and my well-honed cynical bent and say: YOLO. 

I’m going to grapple with the one fact that we all share and let it take me above the pressures and worries of my life to see how I can shake loose and live better, help people more, live out this incarnation more fully.

Without getting bogged down in toxic positivity, understanding the ways in which we’re lucky and the ways in which life has dealt us a tough hand, let’s say with clear eyes:

We only live once. 

I only live once. 

You only live once.

Let’s do something today that we’ve been postponing.

Let’s try to make this life good. 

Be Where You Are is a newsletter about how to use writing and mindfulness to be where you are. If you have ideas to share for future newsletters, you can reply to this email or email me at emilymohnslate@gmail.com. You can support this newsletter by liking, commenting & sharing it with other people. You can also find me on Instagram or Facebook or find more info at my website. Thank you for reading!