"Keep the placeholder of the practice"
an interview with writer, clinical psychologist & mother, Dr. Kathryn Barbash
Today, I’m excited to share an interview and mindfulness prompt from Dr. Kathryn Barbash, writer, clinical psychologist, mother, and author of the Substack newsletter, A Wonderful Mess. I’d love your suggestions of other writers, artists, teachers, and other wise humans of all stripes I might feature here. Feel free to reply to this newsletter with any ideas. ✨
Dr. Kathryn Barbash is the author of one of my favorite newsletters, A Wonderful Mess. Last fall, the Substack algorithm pointed me towards her newsletter piece, “Tired Parents Can’t Meditate on a Mountaintop.” In it, she writes, “Mindfulness offers practices that allow us to be in the moment. And when you are in the moment, there is a pathway to choices. And as parents, we need choices (even when there aren’t great ones).” Yes.
Kathryn writes at the intersection of mindfulness and parenting with clarity, humor, and realness. She has a wealth of knowledge about parental mental health, psychology, neurodiversity, and mindfulness, and she shares her wisdom with such a light touch that I can really hear it (rather than feeling lectured to). I love how she includes the often-invisible moments in a day of trying to survive the ups and downs of caregiving and life, for instance, the pictures her toddler takes of her when she’s trying to get her phone back.
I think you’ll love what Kathryn shares below about the way her mindfulness practices inform her writing and parenting, and how she has learned to work with her ADHD. She also shares a quick & powerful Self-Compassion Break prompt, which you might need right now. So read on, friends. ✨✨
What is your writing practice like? Do you have any writing rituals?
I write something most days, more out of necessity than any grand creative rhythm. I have four kids and I am the primary, stay-at-home parent. I have to write a little bit here and there, to make anything that is more than just a bit. With some planning I can get bigger chunks and I attempt to use them wisely.
We recently turned an unusually large hall closet into my office. It’s lovely to have a space that is my own. The kitchen counter is the other primary location, especially when I didn’t have the office.
As far as rituals go, it’s about working with my neurology instead of against it. I have ADHD and it can be hard to get my brain on track with writing. I have discovered the benefit of leaning in to my squirrely brain first. I set a 5- or 10-minute timer to just mess around…read something, google things, scroll on Substack, edit my content calendar, add books to TBR list and then I am much more ready to get started. Even though the time is precious, I struggle to just jump in. This is a good way to balance those needs.
What kind of writing are you working on? Are you working on specific projects or journaling or something else?
I write my weekly newsletter about parenthood (A Wonderful Mess), which remains my main writing focus. But now I am working on some other writing ideas. I hit a milestone birthday this spring and those are great to stir up the notion of new possibilities. I have been playing around with some fiction and humor writing. Not sure whether much will come of it but I am enjoying stretching ideas about parenthood in different directions. They all have the core topic of parenthood, just in different shades of storytelling. I have some personal essays that have been percolating on family and grief for quite a while and I am working on those, too. Right now, I am a little bit of a kid in a candy shop—I’ve got a lot of different things I am trying. When you are younger you certainly take risks in your career and life, but there is something about as you get older, the risks you take are so much more interesting. Trying new things does feel vulnerable but fun and authentic, too. And I am just going to see where that takes me.
What helps you when you get stuck with your writing?
Putting it down and moving. A walk helps dislodge things. This has always been true, even outside of writing. I could be really stuck in any number of work situations and a walk just clears my brain. Also showering, a lot of ideas come together in the shower.
What are your mindfulness practices?
I meditate most days. It’s a short amount of time due the constraints of life. It’s not fancy and somedays, the meditation ends and I realize I haven’t been there the whole time. It’s important for me to keep the placeholder of the practice even when it’s hard and I just keep coming back again.
And there are other things each day that help me with mindfulness like taking a breath—the most basic and annoying advice ever! It’s just so simple, how can it be helpful? But it is.
I have ADHD so mindfulness is both hard and really important for me. Some say they can’t meditate or practice mindfulness because they have ADHD but I think it can be really helpful if you find what works for you. There isn’t a right way to be mindful. I have moved away from certain mindfulness practices as I understand my own neurology better. Sometimes I NEED dopamine to get going, so I don’t mindfully wash the dishes for instance. I benefit from the support of music or a podcast to get me through the more tedious things. But learning how to come back to the present is invaluable for a brain that wanders.
I’ve written on what I call practical mindfulness. Here are two pieces that capture some of finding what works for you in your current context: “Tired Parents Can’t Meditate on a Mountaintop” and “A key in my pocket”:
How often do you practice mindfulness and when/where?
My meditation spot is on a couch in my bedroom. It’s nothing fancy. I meditate in the morning; it really has to be routine or I just don’t remember to do it.
What do you do when a mindfulness practice doesn’t seem to be working?
I love this question. I am obviously pretty invested in mindfulness but I do take issue with the idea that it works all the time or solves all problems. Mindfulness is a tool and not all tools work for every job. Sometimes it’s a sign you are just not in the right place in this moment. It’s worth checking in on the basic needs: food or water (or do you need to go to the bathroom???) For parents this is especially true. And there might be other needs to check in on. Maybe you need to take break and come back. The irony of all of this is that getting good at being present helps you figure out your needs in the process and what practices may or may not be the right fit in the moment.
Do you see your writing and mindfulness practices as connected? In what ways?
Absolutely. Presence brings me into my world, which brings me things to write about. It also helps me get deeper into the layers of writing.
Do you see your writing/mindfulness practices related to other work you do?
I am a licensed psychologist but at the moment I am not involved in any clinical work. I left clinical work when my fourth child was born. But mindfulness, writing and being a therapist are layered together. As a therapist, sitting with people who are struggling can be an incredibly raw experience. Learning how to be in the present moment with someone's pain is part of being a therapeutic presence. Frankly, I was better at being present within a therapy setting than with my own kids which makes me squirm to say. I say this because I don’t think it is a unique experience (therapist or not). That has shifted over the years as I have become more intentional and practiced mindfulness.
From a writing perspective when I was working clinically, writing was about evaluations, therapy session notes and emails. So many emails. So that phase of writing was definitely not beautiful prose. Yet, it was important. As a clinician, you are translating someone’s story. It's like creating a map of the past while simultaneously trying to piece the way forward. I still use this skill of translation in what I write now, although hopefully more interesting to read.
What is your mantra or a piece of wisdom that you have on a post-it note to remember?
Don’t forget to breathe. My mother used to remind me to do this all the time. She also reminded everyone else, it was her sign off on the answering machine for years. I can apply it every day, anywhere.
Are there any books/authors/teachers/podcasts that have been transformative for you that you would recommend to readers?
I’ve found the writing of Thich Nhat Hanh meaningful from a mindfulness perspective. No Mud, No Lotus: The Art of Transforming Suffering is one of my favorites. I think it’s simple and accessible for all.
There is also a Plum Village podcast, The Way Out is In, hosted by Brother Phap Huu and Jo Confino, that is really wonderful.
Tara Brach, PhD has been another influence and she also has a podcast. I loved her book Radical Self-Compassion: Learning to Love Yourself and Your World with the Practice of RAIN.
Since parenthood is the space in which I write, I also love Susan Pollak Ed.D’s Self-Compassion for Parents: Nurture Your Child by Caring for Yourself. And you can’t mention self-compassion without mentioning Kristin Neff, PhD., who has multiple books on the topic.
A Prompt from Kathryn
Self-compassion can be so difficult to practice. It can be utilized in so many places—for parents, writers and really all humans. I am sharing this self-compassion break—
Practice it often, practice it badly, practice it well, just do it…because everyone deserves to be cared for.
Self-Compassion Break by Kristin Neff, PhD
Think of a situation in your life that is difficult and causing you stress. Call the situation to mind, and see if you can actually feel the stress and emotional discomfort in your body.
Now, say to yourself:
1. This is a moment of suffering.
That’s mindfulness. Other options include:
This hurts.
Ouch.
This is stress.
2. Suffering is a part of life.
That’s common humanity. Other options include:
Other people feel this way.
I’m not alone.
We all struggle in our lives.
Now, put your hands over your heart, feel the warmth of your hands and the gentle touch of your hands on your chest. Or adopt the soothing touch you discovered felt right for you.
3. May I be kind to myself.
You can also ask yourself, “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?” Is there a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation, such as:
May I give myself the compassion that I need
May I learn to accept myself as I am
May I forgive myself
May I be strong
May I be patient
This practice can be used any time of day or night and will help you remember to evoke the three aspects of self-compassion when you need it most.
Kathryn Barbash, PsyD is a writer, clinical psychologist and mother to four. After a decade of working with families in school and medical settings, she pivoted to being a stay-at-home parent. She writes a newsletter about navigating parenthood entitled, A Wonderful Mess, on Substack. Kathryn is passionate about empowering parents, mindfulness, psychology neurodiversity, and coffee.
You can find Kathryn on Instagram @drkathrynbarbash, on Substack at kathrynbarbash.substack.com, and on Linkedin at www.linkedin.com/in/kathryn-barbash-psyd-a7526845. I highly recommend that you follow her substack!
Be Where You Are is a newsletter about how to use writing and mindfulness to be where you are. If you have ideas to share for future newsletters, you can reply to this email or email me at emilymohnslate@gmail.com. You can support this newsletter by liking, commenting & sharing it with other people. You can also find me on Instagram or Facebook or find more info at my website. Thank you for reading!
Thank you so much for the opportunity Emily! I loved these questions.