How do I write when I have 67 emails in my inbox?

How do I write when I need a cup of tea and while I’m waiting for the tea to steep and starting to think about my essay—the mechanic calls and I need to get my car—and my friend texts me “We broke up”—and I have to rsvp for my daughter’s friend’s birthday party—and I really need to fold the laundry now so we don’t have to (god forbid) iron it?

How do I write when some of the emails in my inbox are from 4 months ago? 

When every line that comes out eerily resembles the same tired piece I’ve already written? 

How?

*

How do I actually find my way back to this thing I love, which feels impossibly hard because I haven’t been writing in a real way for so very long?

The voice in my head, who sounds like my mean middle school math teacher, says: “You just write, idiot.” 

But how do I start again when I don’t even know what I have to say, I just feel it rattling around in my head? 

How do I write when words used to be the only tool I knew how to use well and now they feel like trying to needlepoint with wet sand?

*

I complain to my friend, Lisa, about how hard it is to get going again, even while I have some actual time to write for the first time in years.

“Whenever it takes me a long time to really get back into writing,” she texts, “I think about how Jean Valentine stepped away from poetry for half a decade. And she's Jean Valentine.” 

My shoulders loosen. Even Jean Valentine. 

The kids are at school. My desk is clear, email tab closed. I pull out my draft, put my phone in the drawer.

I read some Lynda Barry, then bell hooks, then Anne Lamott. 

Still nothing. Tightness builds in my chest. 

I organize my to do list of writing projects. Is that writing? 

I think of Ruth Ozeki and pull out the Writing Process Journal I started last year. 

Why is it so hard? What is this really about? I write.

I think of the Felicia Rose Chavez exercise I did with my workshop the other night and type: 

But I will write anyway. 

I will write anyway. 

post-it note on my wall inspired by Felicia Rose Chavez

Still nothing. 

I promised myself I wouldn’t give up writing even when it got hard. 

That I would remember what Jan Beatty told me: “The only rule is: Don’t give up. Just keep going.” 

*

This morning, I picked my first grapefruit from the tree in our backyard. I stood on a stool and reached up to grab it, but when it came loose, it nailed me on the head. 

A line came to me but I didn’t write it down.

I sliced it open, told my kids about it hitting me on the head. We all laughed. 

The line is gone. 

Next time.

Next time. 

---

If you’re also struggling to write…Save the date for a Generative Writing Workshop on zoom on Sun, Sept 29th from 1-2:30 pm PDT! More details + link to register coming soon. Subscribe to be sure you don’t miss any posts.

Be Where You Are is a newsletter about how to use writing and mindfulness to be where you are. You can support this newsletter by liking, commenting, sharing it with others, and of course, subscribing. You can find me on Instagram or Facebook or find more info at my website. Thank you for reading! 🩵🩵